Motherhood not apple pie

[hazelk]

This article in yesterday’s Guardian seems related to the wider themes of Lionel Shriver’s book, We Need to Talk About Kevin, which won the Orange Prize for Fiction this year. And I don’t like that woman. The book sounds interesting but a few months ago in an interview about it she made some crack about women expecting a perfect child and ending up with an autistic monster who sits in the corner banging his head against the wall all day. So personal issues, but comparing kids with defective merchandise is just a bad analogy. More like a job that doesn’t necessarily work out and that you’re bound to like a 40’s movie star. Except Bette Davies. Mmm Bette.

Anyway the subtext/text of both book and article seems to be that not every female person who becomes a parent will take to it naturally and discussion of this lack of response, is the elephant in a media room where motherliness lies next to cleanliness. Although in the article’s case I would say the elephant is the role played by the father but I guess his response to parenthood wasn’t part of the brief.

Parts of it I can relate to. The first week in the hospital managing all the feeds as if keeping to an experimental schedule and feeling validated by the nurses’ approval. But that went out of the window pretty quickly once we got home. Not ‘clicking’ with other women at 'Mother and Baby' groups. But I’m not sure that was a mother thing. More some people are natural joiners and doers while others pass snarky remarks from the sidelines. But feel guilty about it so keep on signing up and feeling out of place.

Comments

[graffitiandsara.livejournal.com]

The honesty of the article was pretty impressive. You almost never hear women admit that they don't enjoy motherhood. You'll sometimes hear them admit to losing a sense of self, but not usually that directly. I can't help but wonder how the marriage is holding up and how helpful the "Let's have a baby!" hubby is. It just seems that if you push someone into a life they're not comfortable with it's got to have ramifications in all areas of their life.

There are definitely people who aren't meant to be parents. (The irony of that statement is not lost on Graffiti.) Just as some people aren't meant to be stay at home moms, but we're not supposed to admit that either.

Personally I think I would have needed to be institutionalized if I had been a stay at home mom. Plus my best support groups came from the other moms I worked with. (At least until I found LJ.) It surprises me that "Mother and Baby" groups can be such disappointing experiences. I don't know how I would have survived life with Graffiti if it wasn't for the other moms in my life!

[aycheb.livejournal.com]

I remember once being shocked to overhear mum commiserating with another woman in the village about being stuck at home with a boring little baby. " But that was me, wasn't I endlessly fascinating?' And mum taught five year olds for a living and dotes on the boys. I think some people are not meant to be parents of small children but come into their own as they get older. And probably vice versa.

I did find it helpful going to parent's groups, especially when the boys were first diagnosed, just to hear other people talk about how it was for them. But the other working mums tended to drift away from the groups for time constraints as much as anything and I was no exception. Things will probably change as the boys make friends with other children, which they're starting to do.

[ann1962]

I think some people are not meant to be parents of small children but come into their own as they get older. And probably vice versa.

I think this is very true. Infants, meh, maintanence. Toddlers, love them, never experienced the terrible twos. They are new to their world and want to learn everything about it. Early elementary, holding pattern. This is the one I am experiencing now, so I haven't decided ;-) They are torn between being big kids and still needing the toddler "MOMMY" love. That makes for some heady days. I only suspect, thanks to some of my flist, that this back and forth will continue for some time. But luckily, they are changing all of the time, so we never get stuck with anytime period that isn't quite the best.