Motherhood not apple pie

[hazelk]

This article in yesterday’s Guardian seems related to the wider themes of Lionel Shriver’s book, We Need to Talk About Kevin, which won the Orange Prize for Fiction this year. And I don’t like that woman. The book sounds interesting but a few months ago in an interview about it she made some crack about women expecting a perfect child and ending up with an autistic monster who sits in the corner banging his head against the wall all day. So personal issues, but comparing kids with defective merchandise is just a bad analogy. More like a job that doesn’t necessarily work out and that you’re bound to like a 40’s movie star. Except Bette Davies. Mmm Bette.

Anyway the subtext/text of both book and article seems to be that not every female person who becomes a parent will take to it naturally and discussion of this lack of response, is the elephant in a media room where motherliness lies next to cleanliness. Although in the article’s case I would say the elephant is the role played by the father but I guess his response to parenthood wasn’t part of the brief.

Parts of it I can relate to. The first week in the hospital managing all the feeds as if keeping to an experimental schedule and feeling validated by the nurses’ approval. But that went out of the window pretty quickly once we got home. Not ‘clicking’ with other women at 'Mother and Baby' groups. But I’m not sure that was a mother thing. More some people are natural joiners and doers while others pass snarky remarks from the sidelines. But feel guilty about it so keep on signing up and feeling out of place.

Comments

[ann1962]

What a laden post. All good, but wow.

The politics of children with issues, mothering, parenting, NICU's, nurses, playgroups eep, guilt and place.

What do I start with first? LOL. Haven't read the book. The best thing I ever read about having a child with challenges was this. You plan on taking a trip or moving to say, um, Egypt. You get on the plane and in flight you are told you are going to Paris. You hadn't planned on Paris, you hadn't prepared for Paris, and you hadn't considered Paris. You land and now you get to experience Paris. It isn't what you planned on, wasn’t what you wanted, but you realize there are wonderful things about Paris.

You are not alone about playgroups. I have belonged to three since I have had children. None of them have understood anything about any of my experiences with children. Most just wanted to meet at the mall or the playground and bitch about their husbands. The one I am in here now, the latest, has been a little bit better. We had a woman lose a child so she found our friendship helpful about that. The other women were very empathetic towards her. It was a kind experience. I think I have enjoyed this one the most, a few more similar interests as well.

It is a very braided experience becoming friends with woman at playgroups. The children are what bring us together but don't keep us together. It can be a false friendship. Other layers need to be present for it to become a real friendship IMO. Doesn't always happen.

Great post!!

[aycheb.livejournal.com]

Thanks for replying! I love the travel analogy, I think it's exactly right. I never thought of myself as maternal when I was younger but things change so much. I feel in a good place now. It's much harder for Kevin, partly because the way things have worked out he spends less time with the boys but also because he's 'good with children' and had higher expectations of how things would be.

Playgroups are very variable. I'm only close friends with a few people at work so expecting to meet someone you 'click' with in a small group of mothers is pretty unrealistic. My mum has friends she made while we were growing up that she still keeps in close touch with even though we moved to a different part of the country but they were friends before she had children and she was much younger than I was when we were born. And I think there same kind of time paradox going on in that last sentence

[ann1962]

That story felt right to me also.

I never thought about having children, it was always something that would be in my future. I babysat for years but it never felt definite. It wasn't until I met one little boy, Steve's cousin's son, and it just struck me. That I could have children. Weird, but looking at him, it just felt right. Interestingly, he looks like my kids. It was if I saw my new future.

Most of the friends that I have kept over the years, stayed friends with, were not met a playgroups. I remembered something after I posted last night. The faultline of friendship, especially at one mother's group, fell between nursing and nonnursing mothers. That seemed to determine friendships being made and lost. That was very unexpected. One group of us would be at one end of the room, and the other group at the other. Very rarely did the two mix despite my sometime efforts. It was a very fascinating result.

The time paradox comment also reminded me of another split in the mother's groups. The age of the mom. As with all things, you seek out those you are comfortable with, people for whom you have things in common, so I guess that was part of it. But the younger moms really felt uncomfortable with the economics and experience of the older moms. Someone really ought to study the playgroup dynamic.

[aycheb.livejournal.com]

Yes the situation seems made for an anthropological study. Throw 8-18 random women together, sit back and and wait for Lord of the Flies to break out.

[graffitiandsara.livejournal.com]

The honesty of the article was pretty impressive. You almost never hear women admit that they don't enjoy motherhood. You'll sometimes hear them admit to losing a sense of self, but not usually that directly. I can't help but wonder how the marriage is holding up and how helpful the "Let's have a baby!" hubby is. It just seems that if you push someone into a life they're not comfortable with it's got to have ramifications in all areas of their life.

There are definitely people who aren't meant to be parents. (The irony of that statement is not lost on Graffiti.) Just as some people aren't meant to be stay at home moms, but we're not supposed to admit that either.

Personally I think I would have needed to be institutionalized if I had been a stay at home mom. Plus my best support groups came from the other moms I worked with. (At least until I found LJ.) It surprises me that "Mother and Baby" groups can be such disappointing experiences. I don't know how I would have survived life with Graffiti if it wasn't for the other moms in my life!

[aycheb.livejournal.com]

I remember once being shocked to overhear mum commiserating with another woman in the village about being stuck at home with a boring little baby. " But that was me, wasn't I endlessly fascinating?' And mum taught five year olds for a living and dotes on the boys. I think some people are not meant to be parents of small children but come into their own as they get older. And probably vice versa.

I did find it helpful going to parent's groups, especially when the boys were first diagnosed, just to hear other people talk about how it was for them. But the other working mums tended to drift away from the groups for time constraints as much as anything and I was no exception. Things will probably change as the boys make friends with other children, which they're starting to do.

[ann1962]

I think some people are not meant to be parents of small children but come into their own as they get older. And probably vice versa.

I think this is very true. Infants, meh, maintanence. Toddlers, love them, never experienced the terrible twos. They are new to their world and want to learn everything about it. Early elementary, holding pattern. This is the one I am experiencing now, so I haven't decided ;-) They are torn between being big kids and still needing the toddler "MOMMY" love. That makes for some heady days. I only suspect, thanks to some of my flist, that this back and forth will continue for some time. But luckily, they are changing all of the time, so we never get stuck with anytime period that isn't quite the best.