Motherhood not apple pie

[hazelk]

This article in yesterday’s Guardian seems related to the wider themes of Lionel Shriver’s book, We Need to Talk About Kevin, which won the Orange Prize for Fiction this year. And I don’t like that woman. The book sounds interesting but a few months ago in an interview about it she made some crack about women expecting a perfect child and ending up with an autistic monster who sits in the corner banging his head against the wall all day. So personal issues, but comparing kids with defective merchandise is just a bad analogy. More like a job that doesn’t necessarily work out and that you’re bound to like a 40’s movie star. Except Bette Davies. Mmm Bette.

Anyway the subtext/text of both book and article seems to be that not every female person who becomes a parent will take to it naturally and discussion of this lack of response, is the elephant in a media room where motherliness lies next to cleanliness. Although in the article’s case I would say the elephant is the role played by the father but I guess his response to parenthood wasn’t part of the brief.

Parts of it I can relate to. The first week in the hospital managing all the feeds as if keeping to an experimental schedule and feeling validated by the nurses’ approval. But that went out of the window pretty quickly once we got home. Not ‘clicking’ with other women at 'Mother and Baby' groups. But I’m not sure that was a mother thing. More some people are natural joiners and doers while others pass snarky remarks from the sidelines. But feel guilty about it so keep on signing up and feeling out of place.

Comments

[ann1962]

What a laden post. All good, but wow.

The politics of children with issues, mothering, parenting, NICU's, nurses, playgroups eep, guilt and place.

What do I start with first? LOL. Haven't read the book. The best thing I ever read about having a child with challenges was this. You plan on taking a trip or moving to say, um, Egypt. You get on the plane and in flight you are told you are going to Paris. You hadn't planned on Paris, you hadn't prepared for Paris, and you hadn't considered Paris. You land and now you get to experience Paris. It isn't what you planned on, wasn’t what you wanted, but you realize there are wonderful things about Paris.

You are not alone about playgroups. I have belonged to three since I have had children. None of them have understood anything about any of my experiences with children. Most just wanted to meet at the mall or the playground and bitch about their husbands. The one I am in here now, the latest, has been a little bit better. We had a woman lose a child so she found our friendship helpful about that. The other women were very empathetic towards her. It was a kind experience. I think I have enjoyed this one the most, a few more similar interests as well.

It is a very braided experience becoming friends with woman at playgroups. The children are what bring us together but don't keep us together. It can be a false friendship. Other layers need to be present for it to become a real friendship IMO. Doesn't always happen.

Great post!!

[graffitiandsara.livejournal.com]

The honesty of the article was pretty impressive. You almost never hear women admit that they don't enjoy motherhood. You'll sometimes hear them admit to losing a sense of self, but not usually that directly. I can't help but wonder how the marriage is holding up and how helpful the "Let's have a baby!" hubby is. It just seems that if you push someone into a life they're not comfortable with it's got to have ramifications in all areas of their life.

There are definitely people who aren't meant to be parents. (The irony of that statement is not lost on Graffiti.) Just as some people aren't meant to be stay at home moms, but we're not supposed to admit that either.

Personally I think I would have needed to be institutionalized if I had been a stay at home mom. Plus my best support groups came from the other moms I worked with. (At least until I found LJ.) It surprises me that "Mother and Baby" groups can be such disappointing experiences. I don't know how I would have survived life with Graffiti if it wasn't for the other moms in my life!